How much time do you need to forget someone?
If you asked me, i would say, 5 years....and counting...
Bandung - Sunday, 14 April 2002
I remember, that morning, Ps. Niko Njotorahardjo preached about rainbow after the rain. It was a beautiful sermon, and i was holding that beautiful promise of rainbow in my heart.
At night, I couldn't sleep. I don't know why. I drifted to sleep around 3 am. Being a night owl, i didn't feel anything suspicious about my problem getting to sleep that night. Little did i know that my sisters and brother had the same problem getting to sleep that night.
Bandung - Monday, 15 April 2002
I wake up in the morning and prepare my drawings for discussion with my lecture later on. As usual, i turned on Maestro FM, a radio that broadcast christian related content on certain times. I got a text message on my handphone, a mother of my university friend, Andri, need a blood transfusion.
She suffered leucemia. Andri is one of our PD Ars 98 (Persekutuan Doa Arsitek angkatan 98) member. Though he doesn't come regularly, we did visit his mom at hospital and prayed for her.
I was confused on what to do. Frankly speaking, i'm afraid of injection! The picture of having a long sharp needle inserted in my vein and sucked my blood is pretty eerie for me! I was continue my drawing, but a feeling of uneasiness began to creep unto my heart. I know that as a Christian I have to do something. Not long after that, i listened through the radio the same message that again, that this lady is in urgency and need a blood transfusion.
I couldn't continue my drawing anymore. I know that I couldn't let my afraid feeling prohibit me of saving someone's life! I think i sent sms to some friends saying that i will be at PMI at Jalan Aceh in 1/2 hour. Arriving at PMI, most of PD Ars members already there.
Because one of the problem (i forgot, is it because i was underweight or because the trombosit level in my blood is too low), at last i wasn't allowed to donor my blood. I was half relief to know that!
At angkot (public transport that comes in a form of minivan) to my university in Ciumbuleuit, i pull out my handphone and read a text message from my sister, that goes something like this:
"Papa keserempet mobil. Sekarang ga tau keadaannya gimana."
I was shocked. But still hopeful. I think, it must not be a serious condition. The sms said "keserempet", not "ketabrak" anyway. Though, i felt very afraid and scared at the same time. Going down from angkot, i went to wartel to call home, but no one answered. I was so confused, and i asked my sister should i go home at that time. Because i have an appointment with my Lead Lecturer the next day for my thesis.
In doubt and confusion, i went to the studio where my friend, Daisy was doing her last Final Project. I cried in front of her, because suddenly i felt very very afraid, and i don't know why. And i don't know what to do. She consoled me, and tried to calm me down. She told me not to be afraid and not to think negative. My dad probably is alright.
Then she went to my boarding house to help me pack and went to train station asap. I went alone to the train station. I didn't forget to pack my Bible though. I bought an express ticket (Argo Bromo), but i only can reach Jakarta around 7.30 pm.
In the train, i tried to meditate on God's word to keeo me thinking positive. The bible opened on my lap, showing Psalm 121 which i memorized during the whole journey. I kept memorizing and repeating the verses...especially verse 7
"Tuhan akan menjaga engkau terhadap segala kecelakaan; Ia akan menjaga nyawamu."
A song appeared in my mind, and somehow, i keep singing a beautiful song from Don Moen...
"I have known the Father's care for me...
He's been good, He's been good
Through it all He always there for me...
God's been good to me..."
All the way on my journey to Jakarta, i kept texting with my sister in Malaysia and my brother in Jakarta, and a best friend in Jakarta that i always run to whenever i have problem. From the sms-es, i know that my father's condition is quite serious. He wasn't light injured, in fact, he needed a surgery asap, but unfortunately somehow, in that hospital that day the doctor who is responsbile to do the surgery was at another place (either at his own practice, or at another high-class hospital where he also works with).
My brother told me that they are waiting for that doctor to come and do the operation. My dad had an accident around 1 pm, and it's been more than 4 hours and the doctor hasn't showed up in the hospital.
Few minutes to six, i think around 5.40 - 5.50 i read the sms again. This time, the sms will change my life drastically for the next few years.
"Papa sudah pergi." -- a short sms from my sister.
I felt like a bucket of ice cubes thrown in front of my face and i'm drowned under the cold ice. The air eludes my lungs, and i couldn't breathe. My body shivers in cold, and i want to scream, but i couldn't. I want to cry loudly, but i couldn't. Only the shaken body and hidden cry that express my black world that time. The man that sat beside me stared at me, showing a stare of discomfort as he heard my cried.
My world has been turned upside down. The continous sound of the train iron wheels clicking just seemed to prolong my sense of loss in eternity. I was lost tracking my time after that. After all, time doesn't mean anymore to me. All i want to do is just to be near to my Dad. Alive or dead, i don't care.
Reaching Gambir, Jakarta at around 7 pm plus. I was a walking zombie. I was completely blank on what to do. I booked a taxi from Gambir station (only to find the driver still cheat me and asked me for more money with the reason that they have booking fee, though as far as I've known, the Rp 2300,- i paid at the counter is the booking fee and there will be no more booking fee).
I just gave him whatever he wants. Let him take advantage on other people's condition. I just don't care anymore. I just want to see my Dad. I want to see him badly.
Arriving at the hospital, RS Sumber Waras, Grogol, i was completely don't know how to ask. How should i ask? Where's the dead body of my Dad? I'm refusing to use that word ("dead"), though I've known the fact. For me, he is still my Dad, not just another dead body or corpse. Finally, i asked about the location of the room where he wait for that damn doctor until he died because lack of blood.
The hospital, the place where they should have saved lives, has turned into a money-machine. No money, no blood transfusion. No matter how dying and how desperate the patient needs the blood.
You want blood? You pay first!
You want to be able to get your name under one of the room list? You pay first!
No money, no business! No money, you're not worthy to be saved!
I was walking in the dark corridor of this hospital, wondering what will i see in that room. A corpse covered in white sheet with blood stains? And the horrific image of having to see his face soaked in blood? As i walked in blank, a man called me. It was my uncle.
He recognized me, because practically i was really a walking zombie...i don't know where to go. He hugged me and said to me to be strong. I still remember his words...
"Fung, Papa sudah pergi. Yang tabah yah....."
And i only can cried hearing his words. I broke into tears. As he hugged me and lead me to his motorcycle, he told me that they have brought my dad to Rumah Duka Jelambar. He told me, that he's going to bring me to Rumah Duka Jelambar, to see my mom and brother.
Jakarta seemed to be my enemy that night. The night is cold, i could feel tears after tears dried up by the chilly night wind as i sat at my uncle's motorcyle. My life has stopped ticking though the seconds still going.
Arriving at Rumah Duka Jelambar, i found my mom and my brother there. Another uncle and cousin was there as well. Their house is just next to my house. My mom cried loudly as she saw me entering the room. We hugged and share the unmeasured depth of loss that only grieving people know how it feels.
As we drove home, my brother mentioned about the full blood-stained t-shirt of my dad that is still sitting inside the plastic bag at my living room. I couldn't see that. So i asked him to remove and hide it before i enter the house. I stayed in the car until they gave me a sign that it's okay for me to go inside the house.
The moment i enter the house, i saw a half-full glass of coffee on the table. Again i cried at this simple sight. I just cannot imagine that just few hours ago, my dad was still sipping his coffee through that glass. In just few hours, my life has completely different. Never again will i see him smiling welcoming my return to home every time i went home from Bandung.
The days following, are just a series of nightmares. I didn't remember what have i eaten. I even didn't remember if i have eaten anything. The only thing i remember is an auntie brewed a drink which contains chinese traditional medicines to help my body of not getting sick or fainted. The taste is awful. That's the only food/drink that I remember during that whole week.
Starting from that day, I was entering a life of deep grieve and loss. Everything that i see will reminds me of Dad. One day, i was back to Bandung and sitting inside angkot. I saw a water flows at the side of the road. Somehow, it seemed to me that it was a flow of blood. That is scarry enough.
I was worried that i might going insane. But i didn't. I never say "God", though i still read my Bible sometime. Whenever i pray, i only ended crying endlessly until i drifted to sleep because too tired. Trying very hard to get an A for my thesis, as this is the promise that I said in front of my Dad when i first saw him lifeless, my life is just a matter of surviving and existing. I wasn't living. There were hundred times i called out to God and asked Him to take my life too for the pain is too great, and i really miss him so.
But He has another plan.....
15 April 2007
Here I am, 5 years later from that day, a life's turning point. I thought i will never come back to God. I thought i will go insane and live a hopeless life. But He is God and He knows best.
I'm still grieving, but the pain is much lesser. And it's a surprise that i'm still alive, and even i can work abroad. I'm having a problem with a colleague who is acting like a baby, but that just doesn't seemed a big issue now, because I've experienced the toughest one.
I have survived.
By His grace.
== dedicated to my Dad, the best Dad in the world. I will forever miss you in my heart. I love you, Dad ==
Ready to go for paint-ball war!
I like the background!
Enchanted pose!
Pose with boss
At canteen
Cool faces of my colleagues
Before SAFTI tour
Me in action!
You'd better watch out! The killer is ready to shoot!
Me and the frog that will never turn into a prince
SEE WHAT?
Look! I look tall over here, don't I?
Me, my self and Irene (plus the cool cow)
HEAR WHAT?
At Esmirada restaurant
Waiting for our appetizer to arrive
Cheers!
After the scrumptuous dinner
"Kefi" - break my heart and I'll break the plates!
Sweet gals
Laughing and laughing
Look! He's ready to break the plate!
Me and my managing director
